It's A Wrap For Us

Oh..this guy? He's just the Mayan calendar. The symbol of "we are fucked."

So I am just sitting here, not working. I decide to check out CNN to see how fucked we have been, how fucked we are now, and how fucked we are going to be. Low and behold, we are more fucked than I could have ever imagined. A ridiculous amount of crazy shit has been going down today. Feel free to check it out yourself, but the horror is too great for me to post links to the individual stories.

Ok fine, I’ll post them:

First off, lightning is pissed off and no one understands why. Lightning has no reason to be freaking out killing people jogging or just hanging out outside—that asshole under the tree probably deserved it since that is like the one rule they teach you about lightning when you’re little. Those gumshoes over there on stormwatch revealed that rubber won’t save your ass. So be on the lookout for..um..lightning.

Those clouds are plotting. Oh guess what? Can’t go swimming and dig up mud(?) anymore because there is fucking flesh-eating bacteria living in that shit. I think it’s universally agreed that flesh-eating bacteria is the scariest thing in the game right now. But WHY was this kid swimming to dig for mud? I don’t give a shit about what the news people said, mud is mildly fun at best, when you are four. Glad he’ll be alright though, that crazy bastard.

This one is less morbid, but fucked up nonetheless. The iPhone is allowing apps to feature softcore porn. What?! A) Where was this when I was a kid? B) This is going to be a problem. Kids are literally going to be fighting to get into a stall to wack off to their iPhone porn. Bathroom passes will be of their highest demand in years and overall school production (and intelligence) will reach new lows. Our future will know their porn stars like the back of their hands, but won’t be able to add or subtract…

Moral of the story--we are fucked. Careful out there folks we are pissing someone or something off.

P.S.-Just read the headline of an article that read “Sitter possibly high when girl, 2, vanished.” Wow.